How to Embrace the Dark Night of the Soul

Laying in a hospital bed after surgery, I felt peace.  Mind you, it was a drug induced peace, but peace all the same. I couldn’t worry, I could barely put thoughts together or even open my eyes. I simply lay there, coming in and out of consciousness.

The drugs were doing their job.  My body had been through a trauma and I was being numbed so that I wouldn’t feel what had happened.  My body was beginning its recovery.  Feeling the pain in its fullness would have certainly impeded healing as my stress levels would have been through the roof.  Yes, having a sense of physical numbness was definitely better.

I could tell that my husband, Alan, was there, but I didn’t have enough energy to speak to him. I remember feeling his presence as a kind of warmth, a knowing that someone I love, and who loves me, was near.  Words weren’t necessary.  Presence was enough.

Sometimes in life we can hit a numb place, a desert or fog like experience.  Some might call it a dark night of the soul.  Whatever you call it, it can be a little unsettling.  In these times, God is gracious enough to let us feel numb as He is bringing healing to a place deep within our soul.

If you are in such a place, take heart.  It doesn’t last forever.  Receive the grace for each moment.  If you are truly in a dark night of the soul, this numbness is exactly where you should be.  It is a great grace to take you to another level of wholeness in Him.  Think of the fog / numbness / darkness as a gift from a loving Father who wants your ultimate best.

Rest.  Breathe.  Be.

“So I tell you, it is to make the soul rise from imperfection that I withdraw from her feelings and deprive her of the comfort she had known.” (Catherine of Siena. The Dialogue. Trans. by Suzanne Noffke, O.P. Mahwah, NJ: Paulist Press, 1980, p. 119)

Prayer Starters

The following is a journal entry from February 25, 2010.  I didn’t blog it back then because if felt raw.  Having enough space from that day (and further along in my journey) I share it now.  I hope that you might resonate with the sadness and/or anger that can come when we are doing our inner work.  Sometimes we “hear” from God and sometimes we don’t.  I was thankful for the way He met me that day.  It began with just a couple of words…they paved the way for me to lay out before Him what was troubling me.

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On February 25 I attended the Spiritual Formation Partners gathering in Huntington Beach.  The theme was receiving healing from the Father.  After a talk, we were given time to be with God and interact with Him, using some sentence starters.  The two sentence starters that resonated most with me that day were “I miss…” and “I’m angry.”  Here are my sentences.  My thoughts follow:

• I miss Your felt Presence.
• I’m angry because I feel unstable and discombobulated.
• I miss inner peace.
• I miss sensing my place in Your story.

It seems as though the slate has been wiped clean and I am still trying to make sense of things as though things are the same as before.  During worship today I had a small sense of my depravity – my utter lostness without You.

I then had an image of “the slate being wiped clean.”  The old was gone.  The image morphed into a banquet table.  The room around was dark and the table was empty.  The question arose from within me, “What is on Your banquet table for me?”  It seemed as though God was saying, “Be patient.  I will fill the table.”  I had the sense that He would bring “new food.”  It felt peaceful.

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Now, a few years later, I can say that I am seeing God add to my table.  Having come through a time when he seemed far, I am now sensing Him near.  Another season of bringing further clarity into who He has made me to be and what He has made me to do.

If you’d like, you can try this prayer practice.  Below are a few prayer sentence starters.  Which one strikes you?  Turn it into an honest prayer.  Then pause to listen and be still.

I love…
I miss…
I’m angry…
I feel…
I wish…
I desire…
I think…
I’m frustrated…

How to Begin a New Pattern

A little over a year ago, I had a hysterectomy.  If this is TMI for you, I apologize.  But it is completely relevant to my point.  I had been anemic for years.  I was getting more weak as time passed and I had moved to “take drastic action” status.  My doctor could not believe that I was functioning in my life as my hemoglobin numbers were so low.

Since that time, to say that I have been given a new lease on life is an understatement.  I did not know what it felt like to live with this much energy.  Before, I would tire out by just walking the small hills in my neighborhood.  Now, I am able to work out 3-4 times a week at the gym doing Zumba and BodyCombat, with energy to spare.  Cue salsa music.

There are so many things that I have learned this last year by engaging my body in new ways of movement and exercise.  Often, while working out, God teaches me something new about the parallels between exercise and my spiritual life.  I’ll unpack a few things I’ve learned in upcoming posts.

For now, let’s begin with:

START WHERE YOU ARE

On this first point, I had no choice.  I was weak in every way.  No muscle tone, no cardio strength and no pattern of exercise.  I just knew that I wanted to take my new found energy and get into shape.  The only thing I could do was start right where I was.  So I started with a Step Aerobics class because I had tried it many years ago and it was the only class (other than Yoga) that didn’t intimidate me.  The patterns were repetitive and I was able to keep up.  At first, I would tire out 25 minutes into the workout.  I felt like I had to stop, but I would keep going.  Over time, this subsided and I was able to make it through without bonking.

In my life with Jesus, I find that it is also best to simply begin where I am.  If I want to begin a new pattern, I try not to make any grand, heroic gestures that don’t last.  I simply make a choice or an intention toward God and take that first step.  For example, I am trying something that Larry Warner suggested on his blog.  It is very do-able and I am actually excited to try it.  Nothing heroic, just a new, simple way to think of God each day.

If you are choosing to begin some new prayer practice, engagement with scripture, or way of looking at your life, begin with full acceptance of where you are.  Then make that first step in your process.  No perfectionistic goals, just a desire to be closer to God.

The Presence of God

“If someone asked you to give them another word for ‘God’, you could use the word ‘Presence’, for that is what God is. When Moses asked Yahweh his name, Yahweh replied, ‘I am who am’ and this means ‘I am present’. God is really saying, ‘I shall be there for you.’ God is intimately present to everything, and especially to us. Jesus’s name is Emmanuel, which means ‘God is with us’. Matthew’s Gospel ends with the marvelous statement: Know that I am with you always; yes, to the end of time.” (from Finding God in All Things by Brian Grogan, SJ)

Inviso Video • Breathe

Many of us are beginning the New Year with ideas for changes to make in our lives.  We set goals to try to make a fresh start and do things better or differently than the year before.

Most of us are notoriously hard on ourselves.  If you are moving at the pace of the culture, you likely have a shortage of grace and peace.  Being aware of the “grace in the moment” can return you to a sense of gratitude and perspective.

As you begin this new year, whether you have made goals for yourself or not, I encourage you to remember to BREATHE.

Get comfortable in your chair.  Take a deep breath.  Click Play.  Breathe.

Wordle My Journal 2012

2012 is coming to a close, so I though I would Wordle my journal again.  If you are not familiar with Wordle.net you must check it out.  You can place any text in the box and it will create a graphic based on the words in the text.  The words used most are the largest and so on.  I copied my entire journal from 2012 into the box and this is the image that appeared.  It is fun for me to see what words I used most over the last year.  I am always glad to see that “God” and “Jesus” are among the largest words.

If you “wordled” your year, what words to you think would pop up the most?

Keeping Your Mouth Shut

Ok, so I guess “the practice of silence” is much nicer than saying, “keep your mouth shut.”  Silence is hard for me, especially when I have so many important things to say (wink).

Practicing silence is just what it seems – don’t talk.  Practicing silence when listening to someone can slow me down and bring me into the moment.  I can experiment with focusing on the person and what they are saying, I can choose not to entertain other thoughts…where I came from or where I am going.  I can truly listen, giving the other person grace and respect.

Practicing silence naturally leads to the practice of presence. When I’m in the moment, I have the grace for that moment (Jean Pierre De Caussade). Time stands still, I feel myself in my own body and peace pervades.  Silence is counter-cultural because we are always busy multi-tasking and being bombarded by noise.

At least one time today, try stopping in your tracks and really listening to one person.  Later, notice how you felt as you really focused on that person.

Presence is the practice that will stand out in the crowd of this culture because few do it. 

Right Here, Right Now

I was in Target the other day. As I entered the front door, I stopped to look at the ad on the wall.  I noticed that in big black bold letters it said “End of season sale!”  What?  I had just wrapped my brain around the fact that it was December.  Summer had extended itself into November and I was still wearing flip-flops.  But Target was informing me that we were already through the “current” season.  O.V.E.R.  Target had been selling winter coats, gloves and scarves for two months.  Christmas decorations began to line the shelves in October.  I rolled my eyes in disbelief.  Soon they will be putting up bikinis and telling me it is time to get ready for summer.

A department store is trying to rush me through my own life.

This isn’t a soap box or a rant.  Tongue is firmly planted in cheek.

It got me thinking, though:  Who is deciding the pace of my life?

Is it really Target’s job to tell me how to live?  No wonder it is so hard to live in the moment.  No one is telling me to do such a thing.  Oh, wait a minute, maybe Someone is telling me…

“If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers—most of which are never even seen—don’t you think he’ll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What I’m trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God’s giving. People who don’t know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don’t worry about missing out. You’ll find all your everyday human concerns will be met.

 Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow.”  (Matthew 6:30-34a, The Message)

Stay right here, right now, in this moment.  Now that’s a way to live my life.

Live the Questions

“…be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue.  Do not seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them.  And the point is, to live everything.  Live the questions now.”  (Rilke’s Letters to a Young Poet).

A Time to Give…A Time to Receive…

“It is important to know when we can give attention and when we need attention.  Often we are inclined to give, give, and give without ever asking anything in return.  We may think that this is a sign of generosity or even heroism.  But it might be little else than a proud attitude that says:  “I don’t need help from others.  I only want to give.”  When we keep giving without receiving we burn out quickly.  Only when we pay careful attention to our own physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual needs can we be, and remain, joyful givers.

There is a time to give and a time to receive.  We need equal time for both if we want to live healthy lives.”

Text excerpts taken from Bread for the Journey, by Henri J.M. Nouwen